Feeling better, begining to form in my mind

The driving force behind this project for me is having a resource to track my progress, the idea, or goal I suppose is having a record of the steps I am taking to satisfy myself. My need for external beauty, and not so much the acceptance of others, but the acceptance of the only critic that matters, myself.

When I graduated high school in 1998, I found myself chubby, uncomfortable in my own skin and feeling desperately different from the beautiful friends I had acquired. I was devastatingly insecure and sad on the inside, in a word I was miserable. The one really good thing I had going for me were a couple super close girl friends who were really active with sports, and the fact that my love of the game of ice hockey kept me close to some guy friends who played for the local team (and for the record I am still and avid if sometimes crazy hockey fan, GO CANUCKS) They suggested we start going to the gym when our friend had practice.

I weighed myself the first day at that gym, I was 18 years old and 153 pounds. Now for the average woman this is only slightly overweight, but for me at 5'6 and 18 years old, its wasn't a comfortable place to be. I can recall losing sleep, tossing and turning, touching my body, poking and prodding at the extra pounds on my small frame, crying myself to sleep and the all time worst part, the self hatred that grew inside me.

It was almost as if I had been in a waking coma about my physical state so oblivious to that fact that eating and drinking non nutritional foods as part of my daily routine, smoking cigarettes, and binge drinking on weekends, not realizing how it was going to affect me.

It was like life whiplash, I was screaming to crawl out of my own skin.

So, I did.

In three months, I lost 30 pounds. I ate cleaner than I ever have before (definitely taking things from one extreme to the next, went from indulging to depriving as too many young women often do)  Some days spending upwards of four hours in the gym.

My results were phenomenal, I felt amazing and in the two years I stayed at that rigorous crazy fitness and diet routine, I got what I had always wanted, attention for being beautiful.

By the time I was twenty I was enrolled full time in the kineseology department at a school in Calgary had the start of all my fitness education certifications on my way to my dream of being a major trainer for a professional athletic organization.

Unfortunately, when you are sustaining a full course load and a two hour workout a day on a cup of yogurt and a protein bar with a non fat chai for lunch and breakfast, you seem to get tired a lot.

I hadn't had a menstrual period in over two years, my hair had started to come out in spots, there were dark circles under my eyes and the idea of a regular meal repulsed me so entirely it would make me shudder. I started skipping class, spending school money on nights out with friends, sleeping days away....Eventually developing mono so badly I could hardly roll out of bed at all, crying all day, and leaving the school and the future that had seemed so bright not that long ago.

Still, through all this, I loathed myself, for being weak, sick, for what I still perceived as fat, and now "lazy" my self abuse truly knew no bounds. I still reflect on some of the journals I kept at the time, me writing to myself telling myself I was "gross, pathetic, and always going to be fat and ugly"

It took me literally years to recover, a steady stream of doctors and an amazing mother who knew "something isn't right, this is not my katie" Until one amazing man finally saw in a genetic pattern a disposition for obsessive compulsive disorder, and what led them to my diagnosis of "body dismorphic disorder" info on b.d.d  and anorexia nervosa which literally took me five or more years to recover fully from. 

Eventually and with more treatment regarding my illness the professionals I worked with also found a genetic precursor for rather serious depression issues on either side of my lineage, and with that we found the root of the triggers to my problem. Major depressive disorder


Come to find out this affects many people in the world, some of the most brilliant and tortured minds of my and generations before me, losing their lives to the silent battle inside themselves. At the time so  scary, but amazing, to finally understand that the way I felt about myself was so much deeper than just a ridiculous insecurity. In coming to understand all of these things, in countless books and "coffee dates" with professionals I made so much headway in such a short span of time, it was remarkable, but as this time had passed and I had healed so much, my desire to stay fit, went the way of wind, and I started to almost fear the gym in a sense. It took me some time to find balance, a lot of research on nutrition and one or two complete FUCK ITS! *(which always turned into months of good times and binge drinking and dancing and not giving a shit about anything else) But, when the smoke cleared I was still the same girl, on the quest for answers as to why my journey was going to be a little different from the ones I saw around me. *(and for the record, some of those times when I would succumb to music booze drugs and love, well those were some of the best times of my life, but as is with all things down the rabbit hole, its just isn't living a real life, shes always there to greet you, with cold hands and bad news)

But still, the song remains the same, how do I embrace myself, grow to love myself, accept myself with all my wonderful broken dolly parts, and live a healthful balanced kickass life? So that brings us to now.

Happy, for the most part and since the last check up, totally healthy, more balanced than ever (a good time sure, but not all the time please) but just missing one vital awesome piece, the cherry on top, the way I felt when I was fit, nourished properly and glowing inside and out, thats what this blog is about. I am going to write all the things I feel influence, inspire and affect me on my journey now, many years after. Finally really truly feeling my inspiration comes from the right place, my soul, and my spirit which are the two things about myself I now love most, and the point to this, is even though I am still learning every day how to live in my "meat suit" I truly love and appreciate the very essence of who I am.