My gift is words. I have a plethora of them at my fingertips at all times, on my lips, in my mind.
Most times when I see something so beautiful that I lose control of my words, my little "presents-presence" I liken it to being hit with some sort of comet.
A smile, a laugh, the depth of the eyes on a beautiful creature of the opposite sex, the sadness, the restrained joy. In certain situations, my words run around like beheaded alien creatures, smashing in to my intentions and superseding my intelligence.
As of late, a person who has impacted me as such has inadvertently caused me to be suffering from foot in mouth disease and its terribly harmful to my very fragile ego. Is there anything worse than too much courage? When my need to make a positive impact or a connection can overstep the bounds of someone else's comfort zone. How selfish of me, my intense double scorpio energy standing up and demanding to be heard. Assuming that if my spidey senses are tingling this other individuals must be too. Aha! but, all too often we make the cruel mistake of having no facts to base these feelings on. Emotions are a stand alone function, not pertaining directly to solid fact.
Catching myself after a couple drinks or a relaxing evening alone reaching out and saying the wrong thing of alone to quench my own loneliness.
Kindred as it may seem to me, and as much as I just want to see joy dance in the depth of someones beautiful eyes, it mean its up to me, or even an option, or even a future possibility. Yet again humbled, and simply grateful for the muse I have been given in the meantime.
tinglinh, ither
Thursday, 23 February 2012
Wednesday, 15 February 2012
Online diary, rip your guts out, the blood is on the dancefloor...
A hiatus you say?
So early into what I can only one day imagine will become and illustrious and would be highly acclaimed blogging career, I took a break.
**GASP**
*Shudder* You dont say?!?!
Ya, well I got sidetracked, happens often to us a.d.d, art fag, low focus/big flash types. I got a little lost, My goals fell apart slowly and work tried to creep in as my number one. Since we have all been told to adhere to the roles set out for us, I gave it a try...but what the corporate monster and the cog's in the wheel wanted from me I was not willing to give, its just not how I'm built baby.
It ate my soul, so I quit.
HA!
Then, I went out, got good and wasted with some of my most inspiring loves, sang, laughed, free stlye rapped (no one ever wants to hear that, by the way) and woke up on Monday set to do what I would be doing without a "schedule" of some other monsters demands.
I went to the gym, I finally went to the addicted to fitness class I talk about earlier in this blog, it was INSANE, I was not prepared for how out of shape I actually am, especially after 9am vodka drinks the weekend before. Oh shit....So it hurt, a lot, but I did it, and I felt amazing. The next day I woke up to a beautiful bright sun rapping against the shutters begging for me to come bask with my canine friend.
So I DID THAT TOO!!! I went for a two hour hike/walk with my roommates dog and my new best friend ever, Kaslo. We did some over due exploring both yesterday and today that brought my mind and body and soul to a super positive happy place.
To make things even better over the course of 5 days, I know what I wanna be when I grow up and have an admissions interview on monday at a school here. Im reactivating my commitment to my one true love (which is MUSIC and sharing it with people - animals tie, but since I cant work anywhere where they could potentially die, music is more suited for a career)
What about money you ask? Well thats a good question, I have a few odd jobs lined up and a little nest egg to fall back on (say what you want about working for the man, but those greed obsessed money mongers are good at paying the "help") I've promised myself that the next place I commit to will not have me selling my soul to get ahead in the very world that is destroying this planet. Being saturated with the ignorance that that sort of "business" grows actually made me have some suicidal thoughts, haha try that shit on for bad day at work. I'm not entirely serious, but I did have more than one night of crying myself to sleep and contemplating using some very illegal narcotics to help ease the pain of being stuck in a no light tunnel.
Enough with the dark, it is banished and I have been given so MANY unreal blessings in this life that I can't even begin, I have an angel on my side who was mine in life and in her earthly death, and I feel her pulling the lighted stars out of my soul and tossing them into the path ahead for me to follow. I randomly connected with a sweet male friend who has known tragedy in his life, and his selfless sharing of his own experiences helped me in a deep and beautiful way too. I'm going to be better than ok, I don't think I have ever felt so ALIVE in my life.
In fact the only tears I have now are ones of joy, and knowing tomorrow I will go out, and in some way shape or form nuture my health and wellness. That makes life even better. Its going to be hard, and scary at times, but thats life, and I'm loving living it.
Im back blog-o-sphere, and I'm coming to inspire your soul.
So early into what I can only one day imagine will become and illustrious and would be highly acclaimed blogging career, I took a break.
**GASP**
*Shudder* You dont say?!?!
Ya, well I got sidetracked, happens often to us a.d.d, art fag, low focus/big flash types. I got a little lost, My goals fell apart slowly and work tried to creep in as my number one. Since we have all been told to adhere to the roles set out for us, I gave it a try...but what the corporate monster and the cog's in the wheel wanted from me I was not willing to give, its just not how I'm built baby.
It ate my soul, so I quit.
HA!
Then, I went out, got good and wasted with some of my most inspiring loves, sang, laughed, free stlye rapped (no one ever wants to hear that, by the way) and woke up on Monday set to do what I would be doing without a "schedule" of some other monsters demands.
I went to the gym, I finally went to the addicted to fitness class I talk about earlier in this blog, it was INSANE, I was not prepared for how out of shape I actually am, especially after 9am vodka drinks the weekend before. Oh shit....So it hurt, a lot, but I did it, and I felt amazing. The next day I woke up to a beautiful bright sun rapping against the shutters begging for me to come bask with my canine friend.
To make things even better over the course of 5 days, I know what I wanna be when I grow up and have an admissions interview on monday at a school here. Im reactivating my commitment to my one true love (which is MUSIC and sharing it with people - animals tie, but since I cant work anywhere where they could potentially die, music is more suited for a career)
What about money you ask? Well thats a good question, I have a few odd jobs lined up and a little nest egg to fall back on (say what you want about working for the man, but those greed obsessed money mongers are good at paying the "help") I've promised myself that the next place I commit to will not have me selling my soul to get ahead in the very world that is destroying this planet. Being saturated with the ignorance that that sort of "business" grows actually made me have some suicidal thoughts, haha try that shit on for bad day at work. I'm not entirely serious, but I did have more than one night of crying myself to sleep and contemplating using some very illegal narcotics to help ease the pain of being stuck in a no light tunnel.
Enough with the dark, it is banished and I have been given so MANY unreal blessings in this life that I can't even begin, I have an angel on my side who was mine in life and in her earthly death, and I feel her pulling the lighted stars out of my soul and tossing them into the path ahead for me to follow. I randomly connected with a sweet male friend who has known tragedy in his life, and his selfless sharing of his own experiences helped me in a deep and beautiful way too. I'm going to be better than ok, I don't think I have ever felt so ALIVE in my life.
In fact the only tears I have now are ones of joy, and knowing tomorrow I will go out, and in some way shape or form nuture my health and wellness. That makes life even better. Its going to be hard, and scary at times, but thats life, and I'm loving living it.
Im back blog-o-sphere, and I'm coming to inspire your soul.
Friday, 20 January 2012
Old poetry.
Its so strange. To want to ask you to come to the comic store.
(did you even think that maybe the doors will be locked?)
(is it even open on a sunday?)
*I've always felt this way.
*Is this what I have always done best? better than anyone else?
My streaming consciousness, falling down like water, but a silent murky version.
Dense, filled with tiny specs of color so very far from the clarity of cool life.
In the very far corner of my mind, I wonder if my hair is growing long so i can impress you.
You.
You.
My duality is such that I'm imprisoned in this piteous pale flesh.
Every room is too bright.
I'm hiding behind so much more than a gradient lens.
Each material thing to grace my fingers this week has turned to art.
Wasn't this what I was searching for when I stumbled upon your far superior and finely tuned mind?
Fuck.
Yes.
Yes.
As if by a divine grace.
(did you even think that maybe the doors will be locked?)
(is it even open on a sunday?)
*I've always felt this way.
*Is this what I have always done best? better than anyone else?
My streaming consciousness, falling down like water, but a silent murky version.
Dense, filled with tiny specs of color so very far from the clarity of cool life.
In the very far corner of my mind, I wonder if my hair is growing long so i can impress you.
You.
You.
My duality is such that I'm imprisoned in this piteous pale flesh.
Every room is too bright.
I'm hiding behind so much more than a gradient lens.
Each material thing to grace my fingers this week has turned to art.
Wasn't this what I was searching for when I stumbled upon your far superior and finely tuned mind?
Fuck.
Yes.
Yes.
As if by a divine grace.
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
It begins.
I'm happy to announce I've spent the last two days FINALLY in the gym. Its saddens me to come to the realization that I am a little squishier than I had realized. However, I'm doing it, and its been great to get up earlier than noon, which I haven't been doing for some time now. I feel so lazy and heavy and out of shape, its pretty terrible actually so saddened by my lack of cardio capacity. Its amazing how quickly it can degenerate with little to no regard for it for a long time......
I also indulged in five beer on Friday night, TERRIBLE idea, made me feel so sick and that combined with me losing my voice from really givin' er at work last week made for a less than awesome Saturday where I totally gave in and ate junk literally all day. To say I'm an emotional eater is putting it lightly, my cravings are always combined with how I feel and even though I have done enough nutritional learning to know what each of them indicates I am missing in my diet, its easier to give in than try to not.
So after my day at the gym yesterday, I invested in some smart dietary supplies to help ease this weight loss issue,
1.Stevia an awesome all natural sweetener that comes in a handy little bottle I can carry with my for tea and coffee (addictions of the caffeine variety are one I can't seem to live with out)
2. New LuLu's which, my ass doesnt look as awesome in as it used to but they are multi purpose making it easy for me to wear them to work without getting in trouble for wearing a workout pant, plus they look totally cute with my suede boots.
3. A 7 day cleanse (similar to this one, i will go back and edit this when I find the one Im actually on) 7 day cleanse link
4. A new gym, that is open until 10:30. FINALLY- I really still want to try the addicted to fitness gym that I had intended to originally join, but due to work and gym buddy restrictions this fits better and its close enough to walk to. New gym....
Tomorrow I will weigh myself and see exactly what im working with here, not excited for that, but also sort of am. Rome wasnt built in a day and neither is a healthy, strong, hot bod.
:)
I also indulged in five beer on Friday night, TERRIBLE idea, made me feel so sick and that combined with me losing my voice from really givin' er at work last week made for a less than awesome Saturday where I totally gave in and ate junk literally all day. To say I'm an emotional eater is putting it lightly, my cravings are always combined with how I feel and even though I have done enough nutritional learning to know what each of them indicates I am missing in my diet, its easier to give in than try to not.
So after my day at the gym yesterday, I invested in some smart dietary supplies to help ease this weight loss issue,
1.Stevia an awesome all natural sweetener that comes in a handy little bottle I can carry with my for tea and coffee (addictions of the caffeine variety are one I can't seem to live with out)
2. New LuLu's which, my ass doesnt look as awesome in as it used to but they are multi purpose making it easy for me to wear them to work without getting in trouble for wearing a workout pant, plus they look totally cute with my suede boots.
3. A 7 day cleanse (similar to this one, i will go back and edit this when I find the one Im actually on) 7 day cleanse link
4. A new gym, that is open until 10:30. FINALLY- I really still want to try the addicted to fitness gym that I had intended to originally join, but due to work and gym buddy restrictions this fits better and its close enough to walk to. New gym....
Tomorrow I will weigh myself and see exactly what im working with here, not excited for that, but also sort of am. Rome wasnt built in a day and neither is a healthy, strong, hot bod.
:)
Friday, 13 January 2012
I wonder if something is wrong with me
I don't have the desire to have children, and I'm beginning to wonder if getting married is something I'd ever want too. Never dreamt about those things as a kid, instead I really wanted to be the girl g.i joe that could change color when you put her in water. I wouldn't have argued with being a mermaid either, as long as I could control the times I could spontaneously switch to land legs.
Thats that for tonight, my skin is dry and scaly from the winter and I fear I will awake a lizard.
Thats that for tonight, my skin is dry and scaly from the winter and I fear I will awake a lizard.
Thursday, 12 January 2012
to blog or not to blog, Shakespeare do you read me.
I've sure read a lot of him. Actually in high school I think my mind lived more in the reality of a brilliant tale weaver that died in 1616 than I did the world of a chubby, awkward, popular enough not to get tormented me.
I wasn't going to blog tonight, actually I prefer to be sleeping by 2am, but, art weirdos don't do sleep well. We have issues, the kind that spark our most brilliant moments in the calm serene silence of the deep of night, or if you will the break of a new day. Often I'm left wondering if I'm chasing this pure silence solely to coral the bumper car thoughts I experience at like 32trillion bpm on any given day.
The good news, my lap top has finally decided its no longer European and I can use the " and the ' without them turning into a decidedly french e. My lap top is a teenage hipster that wants to shave the side of its imaginary head, download weird bands with weird song titles, and go find itself on the streets of Amsterdam after hours. Too bad I love her too much to let her go.
Today brought me no physical fitness, besides a torturous brisk as all hell walk to meet a fellow creative lefty for coffee, and what turned into some excellent surprise soup and the acquisition of a newly most prized possession (so many s's in possession I feel as though in a past life the word must have been a snake) My personally autographed novel from Chuck. (first name basis, sure; we've held the same object, he has willingly complied to the self given spelling of an otherwise regular white chick name, I am validated beyond measure for having both these things happen while I live and breath)
Here is the solid evidence that it is mine, complete with a cameo from my tattoos and over manicured claws. The better part about the way I got this book, its part of a bigger picture project about giving and sharing good simple considerate loving deeds with mankind. Ill explain what I have gotten myself into with this soon, but have to keep it to a minimum as to not accidentally spill the super awesome beans prematurely.
Not only is this signed but one of the greatest authors (in my mind) that has ever been, but it was an incredibly personally conspicuous story, it deals on a grandiose scale with the issues I have expressed already that are as much a part of me as my sea foam green eyes, or say type O positive blood.
If you haven't read it, do, the impact it has plastered in my soul is a permanent one.
On Saturday on the recommendation of a brilliant beautiful friend I will be purchasing a new Margaret Atwood novel, an author who with her realistically biting style has scared the bejesus out of me in the past simply by being, well, real.
I haven't read Atwood in a long time, actually I haven't cracked a book since September 25th of last year. An unforeseen tragedy took someone from me this year that was the first person I ever remember "wanting to be when I grew up" and who, ultimately has given me the courage to start sharing my art. Even the title of this blog is an homage to her fascinatingly gracious life, some people simply draw a perfectly timed breath becomes art, and each one of hers were nothing short of awe inspiring beauty and strength. I find reading a terribly personal time, and with a sorrow filled mind it has been very hard to find the silence inside to not come up with a whole lot of sad. The worst part of losing a kindred soul, is feeling like you've also lost the times shared, the words uttered in calm and giving confidence and knowing they have had your back implicitly since you first arrived on the planet. Letting go of dreams and plans made because "you'd make time to see each other soon!! I promise!" and stopping to realize even if you want to so so badly it aches you can't ease the pain of the people she loved most. Tragedy so beautiful and cruel old Willy S couldn't even make light.
But I digress, hers is not a life lived without immeasurable inspiration and beauty, and as she has been since I have known the world she will guide me to be a mere shadow of the positivity and brilliance of what she is, was, and will eternally be.
Loves knows not the death of the body, because love lives outside of the mortal coils of time.
Im moderately jealous, because if there is some excellent fantastic afterlife party, let it be known that Merrick is top five on the guest list, sipping cocktails with Monroe and Hendrix and discussing shape, color and evolution of art with Michaelangelo.
And, word on the street is, however hottest a true babes bod was in her life, thats how you permanently look in heaven, there you go again love, setting that bar so god damned high.
call sign starbuck, in search of slumber.....xoh
I wasn't going to blog tonight, actually I prefer to be sleeping by 2am, but, art weirdos don't do sleep well. We have issues, the kind that spark our most brilliant moments in the calm serene silence of the deep of night, or if you will the break of a new day. Often I'm left wondering if I'm chasing this pure silence solely to coral the bumper car thoughts I experience at like 32trillion bpm on any given day.
The good news, my lap top has finally decided its no longer European and I can use the " and the ' without them turning into a decidedly french e. My lap top is a teenage hipster that wants to shave the side of its imaginary head, download weird bands with weird song titles, and go find itself on the streets of Amsterdam after hours. Too bad I love her too much to let her go.
Today brought me no physical fitness, besides a torturous brisk as all hell walk to meet a fellow creative lefty for coffee, and what turned into some excellent surprise soup and the acquisition of a newly most prized possession (so many s's in possession I feel as though in a past life the word must have been a snake) My personally autographed novel from Chuck. (first name basis, sure; we've held the same object, he has willingly complied to the self given spelling of an otherwise regular white chick name, I am validated beyond measure for having both these things happen while I live and breath)
Not only is this signed but one of the greatest authors (in my mind) that has ever been, but it was an incredibly personally conspicuous story, it deals on a grandiose scale with the issues I have expressed already that are as much a part of me as my sea foam green eyes, or say type O positive blood.
If you haven't read it, do, the impact it has plastered in my soul is a permanent one.
On Saturday on the recommendation of a brilliant beautiful friend I will be purchasing a new Margaret Atwood novel, an author who with her realistically biting style has scared the bejesus out of me in the past simply by being, well, real.
I haven't read Atwood in a long time, actually I haven't cracked a book since September 25th of last year. An unforeseen tragedy took someone from me this year that was the first person I ever remember "wanting to be when I grew up" and who, ultimately has given me the courage to start sharing my art. Even the title of this blog is an homage to her fascinatingly gracious life, some people simply draw a perfectly timed breath becomes art, and each one of hers were nothing short of awe inspiring beauty and strength. I find reading a terribly personal time, and with a sorrow filled mind it has been very hard to find the silence inside to not come up with a whole lot of sad. The worst part of losing a kindred soul, is feeling like you've also lost the times shared, the words uttered in calm and giving confidence and knowing they have had your back implicitly since you first arrived on the planet. Letting go of dreams and plans made because "you'd make time to see each other soon!! I promise!" and stopping to realize even if you want to so so badly it aches you can't ease the pain of the people she loved most. Tragedy so beautiful and cruel old Willy S couldn't even make light.
But I digress, hers is not a life lived without immeasurable inspiration and beauty, and as she has been since I have known the world she will guide me to be a mere shadow of the positivity and brilliance of what she is, was, and will eternally be.
Loves knows not the death of the body, because love lives outside of the mortal coils of time.
Im moderately jealous, because if there is some excellent fantastic afterlife party, let it be known that Merrick is top five on the guest list, sipping cocktails with Monroe and Hendrix and discussing shape, color and evolution of art with Michaelangelo.
And, word on the street is, however hottest a true babes bod was in her life, thats how you permanently look in heaven, there you go again love, setting that bar so god damned high.
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
I need a pet
Sitting up late at night crying over the adds of animals that need homes, blurred teary vision due to the depictions of abuse and neglect. Of the tongue in cheek things I'm going to say on here I want a few things to be very clear to my reader about my character:
A: Silly as people may think this sounds, I value the lives of almost all animals-(rabid killing machines, not so much, still I have compassion) over all else, I'm far more fond of animals than people more often than not would prefer the company of a fur dweller to a fleshy naked one.
B: Human rights are for all humans, I can joke about a lot of shit, but I am VERY aware and open to every "walk" of life, and have zero patience for gay bashers, homo and trans phobic people, or people who imply I would stand for that sort of bullshit. There is ONE race and thats the human race, even though old chinese ladies seem to hate me, just sayin' (humor people, that's humor)
C: Even though this blog initiated as a way for me to chronicle my own physical changes, I am compassionate to the challenges others under go and am GRATEFUL for the body and mind I have, and my ability to make changes to it and train it to be a better stronger healthier version. I want to help people understand everyone has hang ups, I'm just brave enough to put mine out there attached to my name. I have no tolerance for bullies and nay sayers, if you wanna do something, do it, I'll cheer you on if I like you and even if I don't I'll still have an appreciation for the struggle.
My best friend is a cat, and is living with my Mom and Brother in a far better environment than I can provide for her, just so you know, when I grow up I'm gonna be her ^
A: Silly as people may think this sounds, I value the lives of almost all animals-(rabid killing machines, not so much, still I have compassion) over all else, I'm far more fond of animals than people more often than not would prefer the company of a fur dweller to a fleshy naked one.
B: Human rights are for all humans, I can joke about a lot of shit, but I am VERY aware and open to every "walk" of life, and have zero patience for gay bashers, homo and trans phobic people, or people who imply I would stand for that sort of bullshit. There is ONE race and thats the human race, even though old chinese ladies seem to hate me, just sayin' (humor people, that's humor)
C: Even though this blog initiated as a way for me to chronicle my own physical changes, I am compassionate to the challenges others under go and am GRATEFUL for the body and mind I have, and my ability to make changes to it and train it to be a better stronger healthier version. I want to help people understand everyone has hang ups, I'm just brave enough to put mine out there attached to my name. I have no tolerance for bullies and nay sayers, if you wanna do something, do it, I'll cheer you on if I like you and even if I don't I'll still have an appreciation for the struggle.
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